Tempie
by Caliga
Summary: The squad has to deal with an unruly temporary team member.
1. Probie's Problem

Tempie

**XXX**

Disclaimer: Not that I can think of. Unfortunately, nothing is mine. Actually, that depends on your point of view. Heh.

A/N: I apologize if this has been done before. It didn't seem that original to me. Why did I do it then, you might ask? To that I would say, I really don't know.

Rating: T for sexual language.

Continuity: Post Kate.

Summary: The NCIS squad has to deal with an unruly temporary team member.

**XXX**

Chapter 1

Probie's Problem

**XXX**

Tim McGee knew a lot of things, despite when his colleagues—scratch that—when Tony DiNozzo told him otherwise. He knew for instance why the sky was blue. He knew who had just won the Nobel Prize, and he could tell you anything about literature. What he couldn't seem to figure out at that moment was how anyone could fit so much porn onto one computer hard drive.

Tony was two hours late. He hadn't called, and Gibbs wanted a file off of his computer. He wasn't really that specific. "Get me anything on the Italian Mafia job Tony worked on in Baltimore a couple years ago." Therefore, McGee was the chosen victim to dig through that of Tony DiNozzo's massive mess of a computer. To be perfectly honest, he figured there would be a random 'steamy' pop up every now and then, but the computer was literally full to the brink with them. It was impossible to manoeuvre through; every second file was X rated. He was surprised the thing could run as fast as it did.

"Excuse me, this is a professional work environment."

McGee felt his stomach drop to his feet and then shoot up to his fried brain as a woman's voice struck his ears directly over his shoulder from behind the short cubicle-like wall. "Screw yourself on your own time."

McGee used the toe of his shoe to slowly turn Tony's chair to face her. He literally felt his lungs empty at the sight of her. She was absolutely gorgeous. McGee was not normally one to judge women by their outer appearance (and he had just seen a lot of, well, good looking women) but he couldn't believe his eyes. She had thick, shiny shoulder-length auburn hair, full lips, and a Mediterranean complexion. Her cheeks and eyes were accented subtlety with natural make-up that matched her brown-black skirt suit, and she held herself proudly. The only unappealing thing about her was that the corners over her mouth were turned down and her forehead was wrinkled in a scowl.

She rapped her well-kept nails on the wall top. "If you'd close your mouth, that'd be great."

He did so immediately, swallowing the pool of saliva that had suddenly formed around his teeth. What was wrong with him? He gripped the chair's armrests anxiously with sweaty hands. That was it. It was the chair. The chair made people horny and perverted. Tony sat here. That explained it. With only that thought in mind, he bolted upwards out of the chair, causing it to spin around on the spot. The woman took a step back in revelation of the abrupt movement.

McGee looked at her, and realized, just then, what it must have looked like he had been doing. "Oh no, no, no! This isn't my computer, my boss—"

"Of course it isn't your computer…" she took a cautious step back towards the flustered agent and peered over the barrier, "Tony." She seemed to nod in approval. A smile briefly curled onto her lips and then vanished.

It was McGee's turn to frown. He followed her gaze to the nameplate behind him. Good lord. "That's not—"

"I might have to tell the director about you." She flashed him an impious grin, turned on her heel and glided out of the squad room.

McGee was left standing there without a clear thought in his head. He blinked hard. Was that embarrassing or exciting? Or was it both? Probably both.

A sudden deep-throated moan of pleasure erupted noisily from the speakers. He immediately felt about thirty eyes look up and pierce him. He then decided that that would be a great time to hide under the desk (even if it _was _Tony's), curl up into a little, tiny, miniscule ball and die.

"Probie!" Too late. "What the _hell_ are you doing!"

McGee reluctantly turned around and found Tony standing on the opposite side of the desk. He was glaring at him with an excess of intensity. The younger agent swallowed hard again, wondering if his saliva glands were in need of serious inspection. He straightened his face and folded his hands in front of him. "What do you mean?"

Tony held a drenched paper bag in a shaky hand. McGee realized that his leather jacket sleeve was half torn off at the shoulder and he had a scratch on his cheek; a red, swollen oval encircled it. His hair was in every direction.

"What happened to you?"

"I fell," he said quickly, and changed the subject back, "What are you doing on my computer?"

"I um…Gibbs wanted something. And you weren't here. So…he asked me to umm…get it for him," he started to inch away from Tony, who emitted a stench he wasn't exactly fond of. Tony lunged at him threateningly, still clutching the bag, and making McGee scuttled away in alarm.

Tony stepped around the corner of his desk to look at the monitor, "Wow, Probie, you don't need my computer to look at that…"

"I wasn't looking for _that_! It's impossible to find anything of actual value on—"

"I didn't know you liked that sort of thing?" he cocked his head at the monitor and then glanced in McGee's direction.

"Tony! You have a _disease_! I was looking for a file for Gibbs." McGee felt like he was repeating himself. It was most likely because he was.

"But you thought you'd enjoy some skin while you did that?" he raised an eyebrow.

McGee felt his nails digging into the palms of his hands, and he knew his face would probably made a tomato look white.

"What were you looking for?"

"I don't even remember. Mafia…"

"I've had more than one run in with them, Probie…but I do have a neatly organized file with that kind of junk in it." He bent over and reached for the mouse, "And before you judge me, I didn't organize it myself. The FBI did it when…" he angrily muttered something indecipherable, "…Chip…"

"I wonder how they reacted when they saw all your…umm…'work related' files?" he folded his arms, hoping the embarrassment would finally be forced on someone else.

Tony casually brushed it off, "Is this what you were looking for?"

McGee looked over his shoulder and watched as he minimized the opened photo and moved the mouse over to a folder labelled 'Mafia.' Tony straightened his back. "Hmm?"

"Well, I…hadn't quite looked there yet."

"It's the only folder on the page, Probie," he shrugged, "Just admit it. You have a problem."

"It's your computer!" McGee exploded.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs appeared around the corner and stomped over. "Where _were_ you!"

"Uh. I—"

"And what happened?"

"I…fell."

"On a moving car?"

"Um," slightly panicked, he glanced to McGee and then back to Gibbs, "Here!" he shoved the drenched paper bag to his chest. "That _was_ coffee and a doughnut for you, Boss."

The senior agent grimaced, "What is it now?" he brought it to his nose and sniffed it. "It smells like something died in here."

"I think that's Tony," McGee muttered.

"Your coffee always smells like that, Boss." He shot a death glare in McGee's direction, and sighed as Gibbs tossed it into a nearby garbage can.

"Did you find anything, McGee?" Gibbs wrung his hands.

McGee opened his mouth, but Tony beat him to it, "He was looking at dirty stuff, Boss. And it wasn't just the regular dirty stuff. It was pretty hardcore."

"What?" Gibbs pulled the monitor towards him and scanned the screen, "It looks like he found it."

"No, I did that. He," Tony grabbed the monitor and pulled it to face him again, "was looking at this." He maximized the photo and pushed the monitor back to Gibbs whose eyes widened as they met the screen.

"I had no idea you liked that sort of thing, McGee."

"IT'S ON _TONY'S_ COMPUTER!" he grabbed his head and tried to squeeze his brain out so he wouldn't be conscious anymore.

"I see that, McGee." He cringed as he saw the picture again. "Send me those files, DiNozzo," he uneasily turned and went to his own computer.

"Umm…okay…" he frowned and sat down in his chair. "Whoa, Probie, what did you do to this!" He glowered at McGee as the chair slowly lowered itself to the shortest level under Tony's weight.

"I would help you. But I don't want to." He stuck up his nose and walked towards the elevator. He was going to go see what Abby was up to. It couldn't have been worse than this. As he stepped into the elevator car, he felt like he was home free.

"I didn't mean the _porn_ files, DiNozzo!"

**XXX**

A/N: Okay, so the random woman was mine. And I will get into the plot in the next chapter.


	2. Tony Two

Tempie 

**XXX **

Chapter 2

Tony Two

**XXX**

When the elevator doors opened again, McGee was met with the faces of Abby and Ducky.

"McGee!" Abby exclaimed.

"Um…Abby…" he forced a smile and silently wondered why they continued to stand there in his way.

"Jethro paged Abby. He wanted us to catch you, and take you back upstairs," Ducky informed him. His shoulders slumped. Of course he did.

"But…I…" he had no believable excuse to stay down there.

"We heard you were looking at naked people, McGee. We want to help you," Abby patted his shoulder with a concerned look.

"And Jethro has an announcement to make that concerns all of us. Which is why I'm curious to know as to where Mr. Palmer has gone to." He checked down both hallways for his assistant.

The elevator doors closed around McGee's shoulders and then hastily re-opened after noticing something was in the way. "AAHH!" he jumped backwards into the car. This was his chance. He leaped for the button pad and pushed the 'close' button rapidly over and over.

"Ah, Mr. Palmer. There you are! Come on now, hurry up!"

Abby stepped into the car, helping McGee away from the buttons, whispering reassurances into his ear.

"It was Tony's computer! He's the one that needs help!" he waved his arms around, trying to scare her away.

"The first step to overcoming an addiction, is to admit you have a problem, Timothy," Ducky smiled and pulled his assistant into the elevator after him.

"What's wrong?" Jimmy asked skittishly. Knowing this particular team, he was sure that probably didn't want to know.

"It seems young Timothy has a rather surprising infatuation with pornography."

Jimmy felt a jolt of shock run up his spine. He really didn't need to know. "Well…I can't say that I'm surprised."

The other three turned and gave him looks that ranged from confusion to anger.

"I mean because…I never see you with women…and you do hang around Tony a lot. He must have rubbed it off on you."

McGee tried to take the comment like Jimmy was on his side. It's Tony's fault. Always Tony. But the part about him never dating…that was just insulting. "I date!" He wasn't sure if he believed himself, so he didn't really expect the rest of them to.

"How long has this been a problem for you?" Ducky inquired, pushing one of the buttons on the panel.

_About thirty minutes!_ McGee thought to himself. This was starting to sound like a really bad after school special. "Will you just say I'm in denial if I try and explain it to you?" The doors closed, and he felt his last window of opportunity for freedom follow suit.

"What, that you were on Tony's computer, so…the pictures just happened to open themselves?" Abby gave him a sympathetic smile and cocked her head.

"Yeah!" McGee yelped.

"Then I'm afraid the answer to your previous question would be 'yes'," Ducky shrugged.

McGee put his face in his hands. This was bound to be a very long day.

The elevator stopped one level too soon. McGee parted his middle and ring fingers for his left eye as the doors opened. Ziva stood outside, holding a tray with three venti coffees.

"Good morning!" Ducky greeted her.

"Ducky," she smiled and stepped in, frowning at McGee.

He slowly pulled his hands down in an attempt to look half normal. "Who are those for?" he needed a caffeine jerk.

"Gibbs."

"And?"

"Gibbs. They're all for him." She narrowed her eyes, "You really should only adapt one addiction at a time, McGee."

Abby snickered.

"Did Tony tell you!" the familiar rush of blood to his face was suddenly renewed.

"No."

"Gibbs?"

She grinned excessively and continued to shake her head.

McGee wracked his brain. "The director? A Mediterranean woman?" he begged all the Gods that Ziva would say yes.

"I heard about it from Jackson as I came in." His stomach sank. "He said he'd never guess you liked that type of it either."

_Good news sure travels fast around here!_

"There's more than one type?" Jimmy pondered out loud.

"Oh yes," Ducky nodded, "Anything from—"

"If you say any more, we're going to have to assume you have a problem too," Abby interjected as quickly as possible.

The doors finally re-opened. McGee pushed everyone out of his way and jumped out. He needed to find a large vat of poison and drink it fast before something much slower and more painful claimed his very messed up life.

Tony stepped in front of the doors just in time to grab Ziva as she fell out on account of McGee's insane behaviour.

"Nice catch." Ziva stood up, giggling at Tony, who was now wearing one of the coffees. He ground his teeth together and dropped the empty cup on the floor. "That's really hot!"

The rest of the team stepped out of the elevator. They all seemed to gawk simultaneously. "What happened to you?" Abby squeaked.

"I always look like this. This is normal. A regular outfit. Why does everyone maintain the fact that something _happened_ to me!"

"Because the cut on your face just opened," Ziva pointed out.

"Crap!" he spun around and ran back to his desk in search of a Kleenex.

They were suddenly all distracted. Now was McGee's chance to make a fast getaway out of a nearby window!

"Hey!" Gibbs shouted at all of them, "Quit standing around and get over here!"

"We're coming, Gibbs! C'mon, McGee." Abby took a step towards McGee, who was shaking all over.

"Never!" he leaped away, but tripped over his own foot instead.

"That was graceful," Ziva would have clapped if her hands were free.

Abby shook her head and trudged over to where McGee lay, defeated. She lifted one of his legs and started to drag him to the bullpen.

"Hey!"

Ziva, Ducky, and Jimmy all made their way over to Gibbs and his incessant and annoying beckoning.

"I thought I said three, David," Gibbs growled, noticing (what he saw as) the half empty tray.

"If you want the third one, you're going to have to suck it out of Tony's sweater," she pointed over to him. Gibbs followed her finger to Tony's light blue turtleneck that had a large damp brown splotch down the front.

"It also happened to be the one article of clothing that wasn't completely ruined when I…er…fell."

"Stop it!"

"What's Probie whining about now?" Tony dabbed his face with the singular Kleenex he found in one of his desk drawers.

"Abby's torturing and doing other demeaning things to him," Ziva yawned.

"What!" Tony dropped the bloody tissue on his desk and jogged around the corner to where Abby was hunched over McGee. "Abby! What did I say about torturing and doing other mean things in general to McGee, here?"

Abby straightened out and dropped McGee's leg. He was panting heavily and started to crawl away pathetically. "Umm…" she put her foot on his back to stop him. He buckled under the weight and finally decided to accept his fate.

"Always include me!" Tony stomped his foot like a five year old who had just been denied a cookie.

"Oh. Right. Sorry."

"If you'd all act like civilized people…let alone federal agents, I have some important news for you," Gibbs chugged back a quarter of his first coffee.

"With all due respect, Gibbs, I'm not a federal agent…so…do I still have to act like one?" Abby smiled sweetly.

Because she was Abby, he ignored the comment. "The director—DiNozzo, for the love of caffeine, listen to me!"

"Sorry, Boss." He tugged on McGee's collar, forcing him to stand. "We're listening."

"Anyway…Director Shepard has just informed me that we will be receiving a temporary agent to be part of our team."

"Cool!" Abby bounced in place.

"Tony Moreno."

"His name's 'Tony'?" Tony grinned, "He must be extremely talented and intelligent with a killer bod and impossibly good looks!"

"Are you listing things you don't have?"

"You're a riot, Ziva."

"As punishment."

"What was that?" Ziva sneered.

"This temp has been a real hard ass for his team…he's got a mean temper," Gibbs groaned, "He apparently shot his partner in the leg on purpose for some unnecessary reason."

"I meant…why are we being punished?"

"Well, because of Porno over here, and because some of us don't know how to come in to work properly dressed." Everyone turned and glared at Tony.

Tony glared back. "I FELL!"

"And for other not-so-recent occasions as well that I don't really feel like venturing into," he rolled his eyes. "We're supposed to straighten him out. He's being chastised too."

"Being apart of your team isn't punishment!" McGee exclaimed.

"Shut up, Probie."

**XXX**


	3. Tim is to Tony

Tempie

**XXX **

A/N: I just want you to know that this story is just getting increasingly less plausible. I'm only trying to get you to laugh, so hopefully it works.

**XXX **

Chapter 3

Tim is to Tony

**XXX**

"When do we get to meet the chap, Jethro?" Ducky checked his watch. He had a rather fascinating corpse downstairs he was itching to get back to.

"I don't know, Duck. Whenever the director can find time to bring him over."

"So…you just want us to…wait?" Tony hoped the excitement in his voice to do absolutely nothing didn't seep through the I'm-a-serious-agent cover.

"Well, I can find you some paperwork, DiNozzo, if you're so concerned about the tax payers."

"Umm. Right. Well, I _do _have some stuff on my computer I could be doing, I suppose…"

"Like 'Doom'?" Ziva derisively batted her eyes at her partner.

"Why do you do that?"

Gibbs put the heel of his hand to his temple, "I don't care what you do. But as far as the director's concerned, you're working your asses off. We don't need any more reasons to get a sadistic agent."

"If we're already getting him, what does it matter?"

"I really don't have the energy or the patience right now, Ziva."

"Drink your coffee, then," Abby pointed at the two very large cups on his desk.

Gibbs looked down at them and sighed.

"Boss! If I had said something remotely like that, you would have…done that."

Gibbs grinned as he whipped the second empty cup at his senior field agent.

"That one wasn't quite empty, Boss." He made a face as he felt the liquid sludge through his hair and down the back of his neck. He pointedly stomped on the two Styrofoam containers on the floor until they were a mass of little white balls.

"I'm not entirely sure that was mature, Anthony."

"Do you think _he's_ mature, Doctor?" Ziva raised an eyebrow.

"You make an excellent point."

Jimmy stood back near the window, wondering if this team was normal and he was the left-of-center one. That had to be it.

"Jethro, must I wait here any longer? I have a rather pressing matter in the morgue. This young man has many interesting body art and jewellery that I promised I would show to Abby."

"Can't that wait?" Gibbs slumped into his chair, knowing full well that for some insignificant reason it couldn't.

"Mr. Palmer somehow cut a large artery in the leg, you see. The poor boy is leaking everywhere."

"The corpse, not me," Jimmy blurted, and regretted it as the words fell out. Gibbs flashed him an irritated glare.

"That's not…disgusting," Tony wrinkled his nose, as if he had smelt something revolting. (Which he did, but he wouldn't admit that the 'something' was coming from his shirt, and probably his pants too, now that he thought about it.)

Before anyone could say anything else, and to Gibbs' great, but short-lived relief, the director came into view. She made her way down the steps from the second floor to the squad room, followed by McGee's earlier encounter.

The probationary agent's mind raced for something to hide under/behind to save himself from more embarrassing moments. He grabbed a magazine off of Tony's desk in a mad rush and simply covered his face with it.

"McGee, what are you doing?" Gibbs stood up to greet the director.

"I'm…reading." He said, muffled behind the glossy pages.

"You wanna read Tony's messy magazines when the director isn't around, perhaps?" Ziva couldn't hide the mocking scoff in her voice.

McGee frowned at the back of the magazine. 'Messy' magazine? He pulled it away from his face and examined what exactly he had been hiding behind. A toned and tanned blonde woman in a two-sizes too small blue bikini advertised some sort of alcoholic drink on the back. Oh. _Dirty_ magazize.

"Hey, Probie! Hands off!" Tony dove at McGee, who, in a reflexive action, moved the magazine out of Tony's reach above his head.

"Still promoting that?"

McGee winced at the painfully familiar voice that was, again, over his shoulder.

Still holding the magazine as far as he could above his head, he knew there was really no way of getting out of this one with any hint of dignity. So he continued to stand there like that, rather unsure of how to handle the situation.

Tony took one look at the woman and put on a smile that proved to be 69 effective on the opposite sex at first glace. Effective meaning return smile, coffee, date, everything else Tony liked to do with women; the whole she-bang. He liked to think the statistic number wasn't a coincidence.

"Is he going to put that down and turn around?" the director inquired to Gibbs, her face turning a little pink.

McGee felt sweat dripping down the back of his neck. Something had to be done or Gibbs would probably murder him not so humane or privately. He suddenly spun around on his toe, neatly placed the magazine back on Tony's desk, and folded his hands in front of him like nothing happened.

A wide-eyed stare from the general area around him didn't even seem to affect him all that much. The long painful silence wasn't too bad either.

The director finally spoke. "This is your new temporary team mate," she glared at McGee. He could feel his insides burning under her sharp gaze. "Toni Moreno."

"Oh ho! Tony with an 'I'!" Tony nodded, and held his creepy/charming smile.

"You were expecting a guy? Why is that?" she leered at him, raising her eyebrows with an oddly intense seriousness.

"Umm…" his smile flipped, "Gibbs is our leader…he handles all difficult and err…uncomfortable questions!" he pointed at him hurriedly.

"I see what you mean by 'dysfunctional'," Toni turned to the director with a sarcastic lopsided grin.

She ignored the comment and the expression on Gibbs' face. "It doesn't look like they will be introducing themselves any time soon," her calm voice was deterred by her increasingly red complexion. She turned to Abby, "This is—"

"By the look of her, 'Abby'."

Abby opened her mouth with animosity, "Hey! What is that supposed—"

"So I guess that makes you Ziva," she motioned to the Israeli, who was about to give Abby a comforting shoulder pat. Toni sized her up. "You should get that fixed."

Ziva blinked hard before looking down at herself.

"And you," she pointed to Ducky, who was leaning on Ziva's desk, with a slight twitch on account of wanting to go back to the morgue so badly. She frowned. "Wait, don't tell me," she put a hand to her forehead and turned her neck to face the director, "he's the one with the weird nickname, right?"

"Well, yes, but—"

"And you're Gibbs. That wasn't hard."

"I'm Jimmy!" Ducky's assistant took a step from behind the two women.

Toni jumped slightly at his sudden appearance and then scowled, "Who?"

Jimmy looked like someone had knifed him in the gut. His nervous grin turned to a nervous pout as he returned to his secluded spot by the window. She shrugged as he did so.

A smile creped onto her lips as she finally dropped her gaze on McGee. "I've already met Tony."

Tony tightened his frown and took a step towards her, "Um, actually—"

"And you! By the look—and wow," she faked a cough, "by the smell of you--you're the probie!"

Tony (being Tony) took colossal offence to this. "Hey!"

"You don't exactly look professional today, DiNozzo," Gibbs pointed out.

"Professional hobo maybe!" Abby exclaimed before going back to cursing the new girl under her breath.

"Wait, isn't that _his_ last name?" Toni gestured nonchalantly towards McGee.

Tony opened his mouth to correct her, but was cut off.

"The womanizer? Or are you two brothers?"

"He's not—and NO!"

Toni looked taken aback by his random outburst. "Right…your last name is Mc…something."

"Actually, Toni—" the director started.

"Why, hello, Director!" Ducky suddenly chimed in.

"Uh, hello, Ducky…" she frowned at him worriedly.

"I do apologize. I've been out of my body. And who is this lovely young lady?"

The group seemed to cringe in unison in apprehension of how the short-tempered agent would respond.

"I'm the temporary agent…"

"That can't be right! Jethro said that we were getting a crazed young man! And then DiNozzo said that 'he must be extremely talented and intelligent with a killer bod and'—"

"AAAH, Ducky! That's a great story you're tellin' there…" Tony jumped up to take the focus of attention off of the M. E.

"Isn't that interesting? I think Tony and I will get along well! So well in fact that I feel comfortable enough to show him a friend of mine who is so close to me, it's attached to my _hip_!"

"Do you not remember why you're here, Agent Moreno?" the director blocked her reach for her sidearm.

"To murder these people and do the planet a huge favour?"

"I personally don't think the planet would be better off without myself on it," Tony smiled.

"Does the probie normally talk out of line?"

"Oh right. I'm McGee now," he rolled his eyes and heightened the pitch of his voice, "Sorry Boss! I'm really sorry! Just call me 'Elf lord'!"

Ziva lunged towards Tony and shoved a ball of paper into his mouth.

"You'll have to excuse him, he has a maturity issue."

Gibbs pulled out his conveniently placed duct tape from one of his drawers, ripped off a strip, and plastered it over Tony's mouth before pushing him down into his chair. He looked to the flustered new agent like this was perfectly normal.

"So do you have any questions for us?"

**XXX**

A/N: And okay, the random woman wasn't so random!

TBC


End file.
